I really unloaded a LOT! (See below) I had so much to say, I really never got to the point. Please see the bolded portion of my story. The basis of my need is help paying the funeral expenses. Any amount would help. I'm so strapped right now, I can't pay the bills due for October and November's bills will be due shortly. My SSI check isn't much and I just can't make it on this alone. My back is really giving me a lot of trouble, especially now that the season is changing. It's damp, chilly, and I can feel where the surgery was and some arthritis too.
My sister has never had to struggle for anything, so she doesn't know what it is to WANT. She prefers to punish me forever for this error in judgment on my part. I've admitted I was wrong and I'm now trying to pay it back, little by little. It will take years at the rate I'm going. There is no light at the end of the tunnel; only a freight train. I take two steps forward and five steps back. I just can't seem to get ahead.
If anyone can help, it would be so greatly appreciated. I would be ever in "your" debt. I would never be able to thank you enough.
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My mother passed away on 09/09/09. She had been residing in a nursing home for nearly two years with renal problems. She was not on dialysis, nor did she want it. Her identical twin passed the same way four years January 2011. I miss her with all my heart. I talk to her everyday and I ask GOD to let her know I love her and miss her. My mother was my best friend. I was able to confide in her the most private things in my life from my childhood to motherhood and beyond. She was as objective as a mother could be and never gave me bad advice. She did, however, dote on me. I've never been independent my entire life. I don't fault her for it. She was a mother and wanted a daughter, and I was it. I didn't do much for myself as a child. Mom did everything for me. I tried to be independent in my adulthood during and after my children, but I always went to her for advice, fearing that if I didn't ask her opinion, I may make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life. I'm still somewhat insecure. I have a sister who is 10 1/2 years younger than myself and she is very independent. We are total opposites. I've had two failed marriages to men who took me down in foreclosure, bankruptcy, and made me feel worthless. I've had poor judgement and have made poor decisions in my life, for which I am criticized by my sister. She has gone so far as to discuss her displeasure with me to my sons. My grandchildren were there to hear her tirade. She acts as though she has never made mistakes and has never done anything wrong. She has talked about me to family behind my back, criticizing me among other things. She is a very jealous person and jealous or envious of me. I can't understand why. She has everything she could ever want. She is a practical nurse and handles insurance and medicare billing for a personal home health care company. She makes wonderful money and can afford to do whatever and go wherever she wants and buy whatever she wants. She has not invited me to do much with her. She takes day trips and asks acquaintances to go with her. Never does she ask me to go. She flaunts it in front of me, too. We were visiting a cousin and she suggested that they go to the shore for three or four days. I was not included. She prefers to be with her former husband's side of the family than to be with our family. She has always looked down on all of us. She has chosen not to spend holidays with all of us, and now that my mother is gone, she and I don't speak because of a gross error in judgement on my part. My mother's funeral expenses would have almost all been paid, but an emergency arose and I needed it, so the funeral expenses were never paid in full. When I finally told her,she was livid and hateful toward me. She treated me like dirt under her feet and insisted that I get the money any way I could and pay this bill. I was not asking her to help with the expenses, but she said she was half responsible by law to pay half. I told her it was my responsibility and I was not expecting her to do anything. The funeral director knew from the beginning that I did not want my sister to know anything about this because she has always had issues with me that she would never discuss to my face. Some of the bill was paid, but later he decided that I had better tell her about the balance or he would. He didn't need to threaten me. I would have told her anyway. He just put the pressure on sooner than I expected. She is now telling people that I am untrustworthy, and I've embarassed her too many times before. This concerns things during the time my mother resided with me (for two years). She says she will only surround herself with people she can trust. She hasn't always been so "lily white" in her lifetiime, and people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. She has skeletons in her own closet, but finds fault with me in everything. Her decision-making leaves a lot to be disired. Very recently, she had been dating a "gentleman" (I use the term loosely) who made the front page of our local newspaper. He was one of two or three people who were burglariziing homes in the light of day and he was caught. How's that for poor judgement? He told her a story about how he kicked his former wife's door in while in a fit of rage. He "knew it was wrong" and he would never do it again. He was on strict probation and not permitted to go away from his home without permission from his probation officer. She believed his story and was sure he was telling the truth, when all this time he was involved in criminal behavior. She would spend weekends at a time with him and go everywhere with him. I wonder how she feels now.
My sister is very critical, JUDGMENTAL, and a very opinionated person. She is quick to criticize others and doesn't see herself. When I would try to carry on a conversation with her, she would always interrupt me. She doesn't hear anything I have to say, but she will take what I've said and go from there about herself and what she did, where she went, etc. It's ALL ABOUT HER. I've never had words with her before, but I knew there would be a falling out between the two of us after Mom passed away. I was right. I didn't know what it would be, but I knew it would happen. She has always chosen her friends and in-laws over me and my sons. She thinks she's better than everyone of us. She is narcisistic. She has always made me feel like her charity case, never as an equal, and yet, she still seems to be jealous of me. WHY?
She hardly every visited my mother, but when she did, everyone had to praise her while she made her grand entrance. She had many issues with my mother from her childhood and thought my mother was never there for her. I lost a sibling 45 years ago and my mother raised her to be a very independent child. She was three when my brother was killed and my mother found it necessary to see a child psychologist for her. She was not raised the same way I was. would be elated.
My mother would be so thrilled to see her. She would often ask me why my sister never came to see her when she only lived less than 1/2 mile away. I had to borrow a car to visit with her. My son lived only the equivalent of a few short blocks away and he would see her several times a week. My sister's son never visited her either. He probably saw her a total of three times the entire time my mother was in the nursing home. My sister used to talk about my mother to her husband in front of my nephew at an early age to where he had formed "their" opinion of her. My sister would wait three and four months at a time before she would visit Mom and she felt no guilt about it. My son would visit her several times a week. He'd feed her, stroke her hair, watch TV with her and hold her hand. My nephew really doesn't know what he's missed. He never wanted anything to do with me and still doesn't. My sister has done the same thing to me that she had done to my mother. She berated my mother to him and everyone of her in-laws. He's my GODson and I never see him. He never calls or comes around at all. He was led by his mother to be with his father's side of the family and to have nothing to do with his mother's side. I hope they sleep at night. My sister's attitude and jealousy will eventually drive her insane. "Jealousy is the first stage of insanity."
Yes, I made a terrible mistake; one I'm sure my mother would have forgiven me for and I am paying dearly for it. I talk to my mother each and every day asking her forgiveness. It was a terrible thing I did,but I'm atoning for it. I've made many mistakes in the past and I'm sure I'll continue to make more in the future, but they are MY MISTAKES and I will pay for them and answer to the only one WHO matters. My sister is not my keeper, but she thinks she is smarter and just loves to tell people what to do.
The funeral director is being paid. He's being paid very little once a month, but I was unable to send anything in the past two months. I get $806 a month and it doesn't go very far at all. The balance is $6000. At the rate I'm paying him, it will be many years before the balance is paid.
My oldest son was diagnosed four or five years ago with paranoid schizophrenia. He refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him. He will not get therapy or take medication, so he will go on like this indefinitely. I mentioned him to the funeral director and what was wrong with him and I'll never forget what he said to me. His words were, "If you have kooks in your family, I could really give a s--t." How unkind of him to say that. It was simply cruel. This was a man I had admired and thought so highly of. He was very refined and seemed so well suited for the position he held. I told him so many times, but I will never feel the same way about him after he said that. I can forgive him, as GOD would want that, but I won't ever forget.
This is what my life has been like over the past few years. I have three sons, two of whom I can have a normal relationship with. My oldest son is afflicted with this terrible mental illness and I am powerless to do anything for him. He's 37 years old; not a child any longer. I pray for him every day and I ask for your prayers too.
Iwill pray for everyone on this website; those in need and those who are gracious enough to give when they are able, even if it is only prayer or support from others.
I thank you for listening to me. I have a lot of stories to tell, so I may log on again and give you some more interesting information about my life. I will also visit others and maybe I can give them insight to their troubles.
Thank you so very much and may GOD BLESS YOU!!!
woeful
